Eternal Internal Battle

Mom has come so far! A year ago she was thinking, and I was too, that she was on her death bed. She told me a few times she was “looking forward to being with Mother and Daddy again.” I would sit by her bedside and hold her hand and talk to her, encouraging her to remember good times past and telling her how much I loved her and I wasn’t ready for her to go yet.

Now she is up and about, zooming around with her walker, and telling everyone what to do, complaining up a storm about every tiny detail that annoys her, which is almost everything.

2/23/17 FB post. I’m in Oak Ridge at Mom’s and here’s the Update: yesterday afternoon she was too weak to go to her dr appt. I cannot get her into my car without her walking and she could hardly walk. I wanted to call for an ambulance but she didn’t want me to. I went to her dr appt without her to tell her dr what was going on. I totally broke down with the dr and nurse as I was describing her symptoms. I knew she was beyond what I could do for her but she is so stubborn. Dr agreed that she needed to be at the hospital so I returned to Mom’s house, found her sprawled on her bed where she’d fallen onto it (thank GOD she fell onto the bed this time), cleaned her up (poo), and called for an ambulance.

Mom is now at Oak Ridge hospital, having been admitted from the ER early this morning due to acute kidney failure. I have to say the staff at the hospital really impressed me this time! Everyone who helped Mom was kind and patient despite the ER being a “full house.” The folks who got her settled in to a room were likewise wonderful- turned the heat on before Mom got in there so she wouldn’t be so cold, gave her a warm blanket, brought her a snack, treated her gently, and spoke so sweetly to her.

She’ll probably be in the hospital a couple or three days but we will begin discussing discharge options today, (to an appropriate facility), and we need to decide if she’ll be in east TN or in GA near me. I’d appreciate continued prayers as we go through all this. Mom doesn’t want to “be a burden” to me but the options are not appealing and I’ve got to make my peace with her being in a facility, as she is beyond my abilities to care for her.    -end entry-

You know, looking back, it was agonizing making those decisions for her, as I transitioned from grown child into being my Mom’s parent. I worried & fretted what was to come and just hoped & prayed I  was doing that she’d want if she could think things through. That is still a struggle for me but I am much better at making the decisions and just going with them. Decision made, move on. I try not to look back in the sense of “I wish I’d…” as there is no good to be had from that sort of thinking.

I am a believer in Jesus Christ and I trust in the Word of God in all things. I find more and more my thoughts are turning to NOT looking back on what I perceive as a potential mistake. Look forward, knowing I did the best I could at the time, with the information and resources I had at the time. That is the BEST we can do- any of us, in any situation! So I lay that burden aside, knowing the regrets and self-punishing What-Ifs do nothing but bring us down and squash our spirit to make us downcast instead of living to our potential! If we are believers, we are children of the King and must deny the enemy that stronghold over our spirit. Cast those thoughts behind you! So far this year I’ve been spending a great deal of time in QUIET, meditation, prayer, and just thinking. I’m trying to re-train my brain AWAY from regret and guilt, wondering What If. Those things are burdens that hold us back, crush us down, and we need to cast our burdens aside so that we may live victoriously and with strength, even as our strength and faith are tested, as it is not us but our Father in Heaven who is battling on our behalf.

Those of us facing the Giant named DEMENTIA need to remember we are fearfully and wonderfully made and so are our precious Loved Ones. God’s Hand is on us, including our LOs, His eyes are on us, including our LOs, nothing escapes His sight or His ultimate justice. Yes they are our mothers, fathers, grandparents, etc, but they are also God’s children, whom He loves, and His WILL for their lives will not be thwarted, not even by us caregivers! Decisions we make for our loved ones are difficult, but once we make them we must simply move FORWARD and not look back on those things. If you must look back at all, look back at POSITIVES, look for God’s hand working in these situations because it IS THERE. HE IS THERE. Turn your eyes UP not behind you. I say this to myself as much as to you.

And know this, as it is not my words but God’s, so it is perfect and true and timeless, and applicable to ALL of us: We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose. -Rom 8:28. I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us. -Phil 3:13-14. God bless you with peace, dear ones.

Are you looking back on anything with regret?

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